Freelance Wedding Bells
by TheBitchCartoonist
Summary: Sam and Max want Flint Paper to be their best man at their wedding. He agrees, even though he's a bit skeptical about planning a gay bachelor party. Will he be able to make Sam and Max happy on their special day, or will he ruin their friendship in the process? (Written with RustyShack1eford on Deviantart)
1. The Big Announcement

"You two are getting MARRIED?!" Flint was in his office smoking and reading the newspaper at around 11:32 PM when Sam and Max, the two freelance police officers that have an office right next door to his, came in suddenly and announced their engagement. He was shocked, to say the least.

"Yep! Me and Sam have finally saved up enough money from reckless poker games and dangerous detective cases to have a ceremony celebrating our devoted and undying love for each other!" Max cheered, smiling and squeezing Sam's hand in excitement.

"We're mostly going through with it because there's nothing else we can think of using the money for," explained Sam, "Plus, it's an excuse for Max to wear a frilly dress."

Flint sat with a furrowed brow and his mouth slightly agape. He breathed in and let out a deep and confused sigh, "Wait, I don't even," he paused and rubbed his face, "remember you two ever mentioning that you were even dating."

"Dates?" Sam raised an eyebrow. "Well, I guess our cases were kinda like dates."

Max held his face and giggled, "There's nothing more romantic than thrilling car chases, gunfights, and thwarting the evil plans of nefarious super villains with aspirations to take over the world!"

"I think our most romantic case was when we had to blow up that chocolate factory down the street for poisoning their sweets and kidnapping children for testing. The fiery explosions mixed with candy created some very beautiful fireworks in the night sky."

"If Sam didn't totally suck at photography, we could've gotten some nice pictures," Max mumbled while playfully glaring at his fiance. He looked back up at Flint, and his smile quickly faded when he saw his hands partially cover his almost completely sullen face. He slightly hid behind Sam's leg and said, "You're not mad at us, are you, Flint?"

Flint's eyes opened, and he brought his hands down from his face. The look from his face washed away when he saw Sam and Max's worried, and slightly sad, faces stare at him uneasily. "What? No, of course not, you guys! I'm just really," Flint paused again and sighed, "really shocked, is all."

"Shocked? Really?" Max said, "People have thought that we were a gay couple for years! And they were right about it!"

"Although, we'd rather have you shocked than angry," Sam admitted, looking relieved.

"Aw, I could never get angry at you fellas for something like this," said Flint, rising from his office chair and walking around his desk to get in front of them, "Yeah, it's weird, but I'll get used to it. Besides, who am I to go against something that makes you both happy, anyways?"

Sam and Max both smiled sheepishly, and Sam put a hand around Max's shoulders and brought him closer. "Thanks, Flint. That really means a lot."

"You're welcome, Sam-O," Flint replied, "So. . . can I ask why you came to tell me this so late at night?"

"Hm? Oh yeah!" Sam finally remembered what he was going to say after he announced that they were engaged. "You wanna tell him the news, little buddy?"

Max shot his hands up in the air and shouted, "We want you to be our best man at the wedding!"

"We couldn't possibly trust anyone else to do it, Flint."

Flint took a second to let that sink in. "Really?" he asked, "Me? Well, I'm honored, you guys."

"Does that mean you'll do it?" Sam asked excitedly.

Flint looked down at his feet and leaned on his desk as Sam and Max eagerly stared at him awaiting an answer. He looked back up at them with a smile on his face, and he gave them the answer they were hoping for. "I'd be happy to, pals."

Max sniffed, "I've never been happier in my entire life!" he said shakily as he wiped a tear from his eye.

Sam clasped his hands together. "Thank you so much, Flint!" He almost knocked Flint over when he quickly hugged him, wrapping his giant arms around his body and squeezing tightly. "I'm sure entrusting you with the responsibility of planning our bachelor party, which is an extremely important and meaningful day for us, as it represents our last day of freedom before tying the knot, won't come back and bite us in the ass later on after you make it super weird and creepy because of your ignorant views of homosexuality!"

"Y. . . Yeah," Flint gasped out, almost out of air, "C-Can you let. . . go of me. . . please? Big guy?"

"Not until you hug back, Flint."

Max cleared his throat. "Uh, Sam? I hate to interrupt. . . what ever the hell this is, but we need to get home."

"Oh, right. Sorry about that, Max." Sam let go of the detective and stepped back as Flint began to cough and wheeze. "Well, we should be going. We have a butt-ton of invitations to mail out in the morning, along with a whole wedding to sort out and plan. It's only a week away, you know."

As they walked out the door, Max asked, "Hey, Sam! Can we have that crazy Andrew Goldstein guy marry us? I'd like to watch him accuse our guests of eating his feces as we recite our vows!"

"Hell no!" The door closed behind them, and they walked down the stairs.

Flint finally caught his breath and stood in silence for several seconds after his friends had left. Then he finally realized what he had gotten himself into. "Oh, God. I have to plan a gay bachelor party for Sam and Max in five days!"


	2. Spreading The News

Flint Paper was still sitting at his desk at 2:30 AM trying to recover from what he had heard from his freelance pals. He massaged his temples as he pondered about the situation. He had never planned a gay bachelor party before. He didn't have any other gay friends. He just didn't know what gay people liked.

"What the hell am I going to do?" Flint sighed as he slammed his fists on his desk after he had finished massaging. His eyes were droopy and tired, and he struggled to keep them open. He ran out of coffee an hour ago, and was ready to just collapse. "I should've just said I couldn't do it. I don't even know the first thing about people like them."

Whenever he was stumped about something, Flint would normally think about it for long periods of time, hoping that he would eventually come up with a solution. This rarely happened, however, since he wasn't the brainy kind of person. He was more of a man that mostly resorted to senseless violence. That wasn't going to save him this time, though. He had to think of an actual plan. This IS a party for his best friends, after all.

"I don't know anyone else in this city who's homo. Well, except for that weirdo Hugh Bliss, but he's in Hell." There was no way he could be helpful right now. He had died and gone to work for Satan in the corporate offices of Hell. He was stuck there permanently.

"Unless. . . That's it!" Flint's eyes shot open and his finger was pointed into the air. He had just remembered that Sam and Max saved Bosco's soul from Hell that one time when Flint was hired by Momma Bosco to find him. "I can do what they did and save his soul!"

He grabbed his coat and hat and ran out of his office, hastily turning off the lights and locking the door behind him. He slid down the railing of the staircase and jumped to the bottom of the front steps that lead to the building. "Then I'll just put his soul back in his body and-"

He stopped in his tracks and let his determined look fade away as he realised that Hugh Bliss had no body to return to. Flint remembered what the Freelance Police told him about the case they were on the year he was absent. The body was nothing more than a jar of rabbit piss now. "Dammit, I forgot. There's gotta be some other body for him to crawl into."

Flint scraped his feet against the dimly-lit sidewalk as he trudged closer to the manhole near Stinky's Diner. He was looking down at his feet and kicking a rock for several seconds until he accidentally kicked the rock too far. His eyes followed the rock as it quickly rolled and skipped past the manhole and next to a lumpy figure lying in the shadows next to the diner.

Flint quickened his pace and curiously walked towards the figure. As he got closer, the pillowy mass turned into the body of an obese hobo. The smell was putrid and flies surrounded the man. Flint got right next to him and, after observing him entirely, assumed that he was dead.

Trying his best not to make a horrible hobo pun, Flint dragged the body from its armpits and dragged it closer to the manhole. He dropped it right next to the edge of the hole and chuckled, "This'll do nicely." After making sure the street sweepers weren't coming, he jumped down the hole and into the sewer, starting his journey to Hell to rescue the soul of Hugh Bliss.

When the sun rose that morning, Sam and Max began writing out invitations to their out-of-town family members. They both agreed that they would personally visit all of their remaining friends and family that were in walking distance, which they had to get done today since the wedding was only days away.

Sam and Max, still in their jammies, walked out to the mailbox with a large pile of letters. Sam did his best to stuff them all in, and eventually managed to fit them all into the small cylinder-like container, which looked like it could burst at any moment afterwards. "I can't believe it took four and a half hours to write out all of those invitations!" Sam panted, leaning on the mailbox and looking exhausted.

"It's not my fault I have a large family!" Max grinned and shrugged, walking back inside with his partner following shortly after. "Besides, YOU were the one who decided to give out invitations to my family members who I said are in jail!"

"I'm sure they would have appreciated the thought, at least," said Sam. Max opened the door, and they both walked inside. "Anyways, we need to get ready. We have a lot of people to visit today."

"Alright then." Max unbuttoned his pajama shirt and shook off his bottoms.

"When I say 'get ready', I mean you have to shower. Try to look presentable."

"What?!" Max whined, "Aww, but-"

"No buts! I could cancel this wedding at any time, you know," Sam teased.

Max frowned but walked with Sam to the bedroom anyway. Their bedroom had been rearranged since they began dating a couple of years ago. The bunk bed had been replaced by a twin sized bed, they had a bathroom installed, and they had bought an extra dresser to store their unmentionables.

After Sam was sure that Max had shut himself into the bathroom to bathe, he began slowly undressing. Even though you couldn't tell by looking at him, Sam wasn't looking forward to today. He was taking his time with each button, most likely stalling. When his top was finally completely unbuttoned, he let it slide off of him and into the floor. He barely got started with his bottoms before he was startled by a whistle that came from behind. "I thought I told you to get ready, Max."

His little buddy was leaning on the door frame and smirking. He was staring at Sam, mesmerised by the bright sunlight illuminating his brown fur. He was mostly mesmerized by the fact that he was half naked, but it was also the light thing, too. "I was going to, but you started getting naked and got me distracted. I bet you could get me in that shower if you came with me, though!"

Sam half-heartedly smiled, but hugged himself from embarrassment. "Not today. little buddy. I'm not really in the mood."

"'Not in the mood'?" scoffed Max, "We're about to rub our engagement in the faces of our friends and family! How are you 'not in the mood'?"

"Well, that's just it, Max. I don't think I can do this. The part where we visit everyone, I mean," Sam admitted as he sat on the edge of their bed.

"Oh, good God!" Max groaned and walked closer. "Not this crap again! It took me forever to convince you to tell Flint and have a public wedding! You're too self-conscious about everything!" He sat next to Sam and crossed his arms.

Sam frowned. "I just know that something will go wrong, like that one time at the subway."

"Sam," sighed Max with an irritated look, "he was just an asshole. Not everyone is going to approve of us, and we're just gonna have to deal with it. If any of our relatives have a problem with it, then they were never our real family to begin with."

"Yeah, I know."

"Then what's the deal? You're not ashamed of me, are you?"

"Huh?" Sam looked at him with genuine shock in his eyes. "Of course not, you idiot! You know that!"

"Then you should be able to tell the whole world," Max jumped up and stood on the bed, shouting, "'Hey, everyone! Guess what? Me and this crazy shark-rabbit thing are totally gay for each other! We get busy every single damn night, and if that bothers you, then you can say hello to my bullets'!"

"Max, have I ever mentioned-"

"That I crack you up? Yes, you have."

Sam smiled and eyed Max as he walked behind him. He began lightly rubbing both of Sam's shoulders, moving his thumbs in tiny circles on the spot where his neck meets his back. "Don't worry about today, Sam. Everything will be fine. Have I ever been wrong?" After receiving a strange look from Sam, he quickly followed it with, "Don't answer that."

Sam felt more relaxed, and he moaned softly as Max progressively massaged harder. "You'd better be right, or you're sleeping on the couch tonight."

"Don't you remember? We burned the couch when the city ran out of power that one week."

"Oh, right. We roasted so many weenies."

"So. . ." Max's voice sounded seductive. With a flirtatious look on his face, he muttered into Sam's ear, "Are you still worried about today?"

"No," Sam gulped.

"Are you going to stop being a whiny baby and face the haters like a man?"

"Y-yes."

"Who's my big hubby hound?"

". . . I am."

"Damn straight!" Max leaned over Sam's shoulder and kissed his left cheek. "Now hurry your fatass up and get dressed while I shower!" He hopped off the bed and returned to the bathroom.

Sam rolled his eyes and continued undressing. He slipped off his pants and threw them down somewhere before opening his closet. He fished around for his suit and tie and yanked off his hat from the nearby hatrack.

After Max washed off his layer of filth and Sam got dressed, they walked out the front door and got into their rental car. Their Desoto had been mutilated, eaten, and blown up during the horrifying events that took place just a few years ago, so it was either a crappy rental or walking. Even without the Desoto, however, their driving was just as reckless.

They got to Sybil's work building in about ten minutes, and they only ran over two mailboxes and a telephone pole on the way. They hopped out and walked closer to the entrance, and they noticed that her sign said "event organizer". Sam inhaled and exhaled deeply and pushed open the door.

Sybil was sitting at her desk looking bored, spinning a pencil around on the flat, wooden surface. She looked up excitedly at the door and greeted, "Oh, hey guys! How's it going?"

"Hiya, Sybil," Sam waved, "Not much really."

"Really? I'd expect you two to be on some weird case by now. Is something wrong?"

Sam shifted his eyes. "No, nothing's wrong. We just, erm, wanted to come visit. It didn't look like you were real busy."

Sybil groaned, "I know. I haven't had a customer in weeks! I guess no one needs a big event to be organized."

Max hopped onto a stool next to Sybil and replied, "Actually, me and Sam are-"

"Let me tell her, Max. I can't trust you to not make it awkward," Sam said sternly as he glared at his friend.

Sybil looked back and forth between the two. "What is it? What are you guys trying to tell me?"

"Well," Sam said slowly as he twiddled his thumbs, "Max and I are having a party of sorts."

Sybil's face lit up. "A party? Oh, so you want me to help you plan it, eh?"

"I want Zach Galifianakis to pop out of the cake without a shirt!" cheered Max as he shot his hands up in the air.

"Uh. . . What kind of party is this, anyways?"

"It's not what you think, I assure you." Sam shot an angry look at Max and gestured for him to shut up.

"So," Sybil cleared her throat, "what kind of party is it? Birthday? Graduation? Bar Mitzvah?"

Sam awkwardly laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. "No, it's not any of those, Sybil. It's more like a. . ."

She stared at him and raised an eyebrow, eagerly awaiting an answer. ". . . Yes? I can't help you until you tell me what it is, Sam."

"A wedding." Sam furrowed his brow and adjusted his hat. "It's a wedding. We're getting married, Sybil."

The following squeal made Sam and Max flinch and cover their ears to avoid damaging them. Sybil held her cheeks and sounded like a teenage schoolgirl, quickly getting up and grabbing onto the dog's shirt collar. "OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD!"

"Whoa!" Sam did NOT expect that reaction. He turned his head to Max, who grinned while he watched his fiance get violently jerked around by Sybil.

After Sybil finished her fit, she looked up at Sam with big, round kitty-cat eyes and sang, "I can't believe you two are finally getting married! That is soooo CUUUUTE!"

"O-okay, Sybil! Calm down!" Sam stuttered, grabbing her shoulders and softly pushing her away. He was almost frightened by Sybil's current state. "I get that you're excited, but you're bouncing off the walls and ruining my shirt!"

Sybil placed a hand on her chest and breathed heavily, trying her best to contain her fangirl excitement. "Okay. . . okay, I'm good now. I've just been waiting for you two to tie the knot for years! I didn't even know you guys were dating! Well, I mean, I HOPED, but-"

"Wait," Max interrupted and held up a hand, "have you been shipping us together this whole time?"

She gave him a guilty smile and shrugged. "Kinda," she giggled.

The rest of their visit consisted of Sybil asking questions like, "How did he propose?" and "Are you planning on having kids?", and she and Max talked about love and dresses and all sorts of other girly crap that women talk about when one gets engaged. They all agreed to start planning the ceremony the next day due to the fact that Sam and Max still had so many others to visit.

"See, that wasn't so bad!" Max told Sam as they left Sybil's.

Sam disagreed. "Are you kidding? That was the most terrifying experience of my life! Plus, now I need to iron my shirt because of her."

"Wow, you really are gay."

Since Bosco was sort of a friend, they decided to invite him. They drove down the street to his store and entered, ringing the bell at the top of the door.

He looked up from working on some strange device expecting some customers. "Oh, it's you two."

"Jeez, don't sound too excited, Bosco," Max muttered, rolling his eyes as he walked with Sam to the counter.

Bosco put his hands on his hips. "Are you fools gonna buy somethin' or what?"

"Actually, we've come to tell you the good news!" Sam smiled as he held his hands together, "Me and Max are getting hitched in a few days!"

They received the expected response from someone as paranoid and superstitious as Bosco: a suspicious stare and sweaty palms. He looked as if he were afraid that they were actually aliens from another dimension. It wasn't an act of hatred or discrimination, just ignorance.

"We're not gonna extend our laser tentacles and disintegrate you into ash, Bosco. We're just getting married with some piece of paper binding us by law or whatever," Max said calmly.

"I dunno, you guys," said Bosco uneasily, "I've heard some weird stuff about people who are. . . y'know."

Sam crossed his arms. "Aw, come on, Bosco. You just got married to the girl you met in Vegas, right? It's the same thing with us! Actually, I think Vegas weddings are a BIT different, but you know what I mean."

"We're still the same crazy, gullible, violent anthropomorphic dog and rabbit freelance police team you've always known us as, other than the fact that we sleep together and had each other sign a preenup."

"Well. . ." Bosco thought it over and remembered how they saved him from T.H.E.M. and that they had helped him significantly with his money problems. They didn't look evil, either. "Alright, I'll come."

"'Atta boy, Bosco!" Sam cheered.

"I'm still gonna keep my eye on you two!"

"We wouldn't have it any other way!"

His mother wasn't much different. Momma Bosco congratulated them, but also had a hint of disappointment in her voice. "Oh, well, I'm very happy for you both."

"I bet she's pissed because we, along with other homosexual couples, don't need women to keep us happy," Max whispered to Sam, making fun of her feminist views and opinions.

"I'll try my best to make it to the wedding, although I can't promise anything." She waved to them as they exited Bosco Tech Labs. When she heard the doors close, she said to herself, "Damn. The rabbit got to him before I could. Good thing I still have the clones."

The day went by fast. Everyone else they visited congratulated them and agreed to come to the ceremony. They both finished by the time the sun was setting, and they were tired and ready to head home, driving their rental car down the road and into the sun set

"Psst! Sam, are you awake?"

"I am now." They laid in bed together in the dark, with Sam's arm around Max's torso keeping him close. "What is it?"

"I told you that nothing would go wrong today. Everyone was happy for us. You just didn't wanna believe me, you stubborn ass."

"Yeah, you were right," Sam yawned, "My favorite reaction was from Granny Ruth. She looked so happy." He pulled Max closer and wrapped his other arm around him.

"You owe me an apology," Max said in a smart-ass tone.

The larger of the pair chuckled and snuggled deeper into the pillows. "Sorry for being a stubborn ass and doubting your brilliance."

"Uh, I meant a different kind of apology, if you catch my drift."

Sam rose an eyebrow. "Let's wait until after we get married, little buddy."

"Fine, but it better be a damn good apology if I have to wait that long for it!"

"I'll give it all I've got," Sam muttered softly as he moved a bit underneath the blankets to get more comfortable, "Now go to sleep."

He closed his eyes and began to drift off, but felt Max moving under his arms. He opened his eyes again and saw Max staring right at him. He carefully placed both hands on Sam's chest and leaned in slowly to perfectly lock lips(or whatever Max had) with his partner. "I love you, Sam."

Sam smiled. He patted Max's head and began to lightly stroke his right ear. "I love you, too, little buddy."


End file.
